i still love the scent of rain

si elia yang sering sakit… sakit lagi!  =(  woke up today with a throbbing headache, a stuffy nose and a phlegmy throat. meh. and i’ve got a seriously huge week ahead of me (cant wait for Saturday!) oh well, come buka time i’ll just overload on water and Vitamin C pills larh uh…

x x x

in other news! had a really good time at Dimas/Pipit’s last night! the food was good.. i loooved Mia’s chocolate pudding! and (can you believe it?) we twenty-somethings played Maling (aka Murderer in the Dark) and that blanket game in which the blanket comes down and you gotta call out the name of the person in the other team (that wasnt a particularly excellent description, i know.) only thing was that we’ve swapped our names around so like, i was Arief and Dimas was Nurul and Dudi was Mia and Dyah was Ridwan… hehe. gila. ketawa2 dan teriak2nya juga gila… 

it always amazes me how we can all be so different and come from such different backgrounds and yet come together like THIS. ya, tapi beneran deh… anak2 saman lucu2, baik2, cantik2… i’m glad i’ve gotten to know them all.

i’m really sad that Mario’s leaving soon. he’s such a nice guy!!! we all love Mario. personally, he has always made me feel very comfortable. to be honest, that means a lot to me. ya, frankly speaking, it isn’t always easy to hang out with Ridwan’s friends–or by now, i can say My friends, ya?  =)  everyone’s so nice but my bahasa indo sucks, so i spend a lot of time confused and lost. hehe. well, now it’s pretty ok but when i first started, rasanya mau nangis mulu sih… i get so frustrated! i’m right smack in the middle of being an extrovert and an introvert, so it’s a combination of the frustration of being uncomfortable in a new environment and the frustration of wanting to JUST SPEAK but not being able to. anyway, back to the point, from day one, Mario has always made me feel welcome. and as the months went by, he remained simply one of the nicest guys i’ve ever known. we’re all gonna miss him!

speaking of bahasa indo… i still suck but it’s gotten to a stage where if i meet them lots of times within a short period, some of my thoughts begin to come in in indo. and there’ve been a few occasions when i’ve dreamt in indo. somehow i manage to understand myself in those dreams  =D

insya Allaah, anak2 kita semuanya trilingual ya, ridwan? at the very least! it’ll be wonderful if they could pick out more than that. AMIN.

Qtn 43865. Why did ridwan and elia break up for 7 hours last night/this morning?

               a.   gross misunderstanding
               b.   immense stress
               c.   temporary insanity
               d.   all of the above

Answer: (most probably) d

worst 7 hours of my life! i was so upset. i know this is melodramatic but it did feel like my world was tumbling down. i never wanna break up with ridwan! ever! again! hmpfh!

but the making up was good *dopey smile*. ridwan pandai pujuk. elia sayang sangat dengan dia.

i had to call home and endure a lecture this morning though. coz i actually smsed my dad last night about it. mengadu lah katakan. manja betul lah aku ni. but at least my parents are glad we’re ok again.

thanks for the words of comfort, guys… <<hug>> now i feel silly. like, very.

it’s almost 9pm and i’m still in my office. first i was delayed by a report i had to write up on a patient. then by some personal misfortune (?) that left me stunned for a good hour or so. and now… now there’s just the rain pelting mercilessly outside, trapping me in. i havent broken my fast for today. but i dont feel hungry or faint just yet. i will pass the pantry on my way out, maybe for a glass of water. my mobile battery has died.

the falling rain is poetic outside my window. i am fascinated by rain and thunderstorms. but i also love sunshine. i dont know which i prefer. i know it’s cold outside but i sit in here warm, the hum of the laptop ringing in my ears. i hvnt got a decent jacket to put on on my way home today. but the cold will do me some good i think. it’ll waken my dying, tired senses. this building (at least this floor) is empty and dark (except for my office). but i know the adjacent buildings are filled with beds of beautiful, strong children with their mommies/ daddies/ teddies by their side.

saw a little girl in the tram on my way to work this morning. she’s so beautiful i could cry.

work was good today. again, i cannot reveal much due to confidentiality laws (i really shdnt out of respect anyhow.) but i guess i can share that the parents of the intellectually disabled boy i saw this afternoon really touched me with their resilience and patience. they’ve got three sons, the first two are mildly intellectually disabled while the last one, the one i saw just now, is more severely so. their firstborn has also got leukaemia and is currently warded somewhere in this hospital. their faith and strength amazes me.

in other news, ridwan and i broke up. so. i guess… i’m single again  :)  [or   :(  , i don't know.]

1. (yes, this post is a desperate attempt to get my previous one OFF. urrggghhh…. cant believe i actually wrote abt the guy in the lift. i should think hard before posting   =P )
2. i like mariah… oh heck, i like britney too.
3. i’ve been googling for solutions to get rid of blackheads. and still hvnt found the perfect one.
4. when i was back last week, my four-year-old sister asked me if our granma can jump.   0_o  she was genuinely concerned. my sister’s a clown.
5. ridwan and i walked from the kongen to South Yarra station last nite. i love melbourne when the weather’s like this–except for a few drizzles the weather’s been gorgeous since i came back. ok, i love melbourne–period. (maybe i love it because it’s been like a 3-yr-long honeymoon here with ridwan. heh.) though i’m sure, given a chance, there’d be other cities in the world i can grow to love too (having ridwan around might help of course.) hmn.
6. i’ve been craving spagetti bolognaise… and! i found out! there was rigotini bolognaise at the Monash iftar last night! dayyymn. but food at kongen was good too.
7. i’m looking forward to next friday. immensely.
8. my boss called me on my mobile yesterday. twice. which has left me both beholden and between the devil and the deep blue sea. but still, he could not be more sweet.
9. my papers are on 26/10, 3/11, 7/11 and 11/11. in between, i hvnt taken leave off work… and i’ve got deadline-extended assignments due.
10. some days, it feels like my life’s like this:

               but mostly, the roast chicken’s fantastic
               and i’m just a famished girl enjoying every morsel.

(why am i sharing this? who’s interested?  =P  but well, it’s my prerogative.)

so. i’m a hot-blooded woman (god, that sounds so kylie) human being like (almost) everyone else. but with the happenings of the past month… (and it being ramadan anyhows) i have not been thinking about sex. i’m serious. i actually havent. havent found anything sexy… heck. even coming across references to/description of sex in my avid reading in the past month has evoked nothing.

but today. ah. today…

arrived at tiara’s apartment after work today (still am at her place now, blogging on her pc, in her room, while she’s watching tv outside. we’ve decided to get our hair cut (again) tomorrow. but we’ll see about that. i just had a trim and colour the morning i flew back). as i walked towards the lift i saw someone… and i was gripped.

he appeared from the door leading out to the basement parking. he was tall. he was wearing a suit, finely tailored, showing off broad strong shoulders and a muscular but lean physique. (why do i sound like a bloody romance novel?) his hair was long enough to run your fingers through… brownish with blond streaks. with his clean, olive skin (albeit with an appealing day-old stubble along his jawline) and his laid-back gait, he could pass off as a model for Hugo Boss. (come to think of it, he didnt look too different from Alex Landqvist, just not so gay.) in his right hand, he held an all-black helmet with tinted visors.

and so we got into the lift. he pressed "21". and i imagined… i imagined maybe he’s got a totally hot lady waiting for him in that apartment in the 21st floor overlooking the city. maybe she’s his wife. maybe. maybe! they’re newly-weds and they’re still living in that disgustingly (but oh-so-romantically) intimate wedded bliss. i began wishing i wasnt dressed in my boring black work pants, cream top and black jacket. i wish i were… i dunno. in a stunning red hot halter dress and jimmy choos maybe? and i began thinking… if in the most unlikely of cases, he pins me to the mirrored wall of the elevator and… but i shook it off.

about 5.64 seconds into the ride/6 floors later i realized i had forgotten something important… so i pressed "9".

so the door opened on the ninth floor. i got out, my legs wobbly.

been a while since i was turned on.

ah. ramadan… ramadan……….

allow me to ramble. (you’ve been warned.)

i’m at work with no work to do–it’s a long story (and i’ve already signed a confidentiality agreement on my first day so i’m not gonna share anyways). the irony of it is that i get paid by the hour.

so here i sit, in Examination Room 3 of the Academic Child Psychiatric Unit of The Royal Children’s Hospital, Melbourne. around me are shelves of books on psychology, paediatrics and psychiatry. it’s a pretty good collection, i must say. there are the original works of Jung, Piaget, Eysenck and Freud, amongst others. (ok, what did i expect? it’s a hospital.)

i’ve read several chapters of Eysenck’s Genius-The Natural History of Creativity, not without hope, i must admit. hehe. shameless daydreaming.

i should have brought my uni work. but then, how was i to know?

after this, my plan is to make a mind map of my responsibilities/plans for the next few months, covering multiple aspects. i should take stock of my life before i get clinically depressed/anxious/muddled up about it  =)  and seeing that i have been thrown into a room, all alone, in the psychiatric department, this seems most appropriate–it’s as though Divinity is playing a joke on me. i, elia, will be my own therapist. i will now steal a piece of nice white paper from the printer to do just that…

btw, the weather outside my window is gorgeous.

CLARE: It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays. I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?

whenever i blog two days in a row, i wish and wish and wish that friendster wouldnt send those email updates. it seems to contribute to the stripping off of the (false) anonymity and (supposed) lack of restraint in blogging. i want to simply write… and if someone unwittingly remembers at some instant, i will be read. ah. but i’m delusional like that. and i digress.

a little after midnight last night, i came to the final words in Niffenegger’s masterpiece in the form of The Time Traveler’s Wife. i’ve decided that it’s one of my favourite books. well, definitely my most recent one. it made me think a lot about Things. it certainly made me cry at certain points (either the result of truly powerful writing or me being a sap, i cant tell.) it made me feel better. oh, my only gripe is that the genetical claims are a tad flawed… but then, the psychiatric ones are well and fine.  =)  blame my education.

i have my sister to thank for getting me this book. it’s too sweet of her  :) 

• homesick, missing my family, replaying the moments i spent with them the past 3 weeks in my head, worried about my granma who’s sick, thinking of the last day i spent in Singapore in particular when we had dinner at Swenson’s at the airport with my granpa *sob*
• stressed out of my wits with catching up with work and having to meet up with lecturers to explain how i was sick bla bla bla and worrying about next year… next year!!! what will i be doing next year?!

• thankful for my friends here who must be angels… with their unending support and words of encouragement, they just have to be… it only makes sense HIKMAH, najiyyah, tiara, indri, ade, saddaf, munirah, nasya, rifka –at every prayer time, i make do’a that God repays your kindness with His
• taking out a lot of the frustration on Ridwan (and feeling guilty after i come to my senses) the poor boy… but he’s been so patient with me.
• looking forward to better-things-that-lie-ahead in spite of it all.

been trying to post photos from last night but my computer/internet connection just. won’t! COOPERATE!   0_0  stupid technology… buat gw sebel. i’ll update this post with the pictures once i have the kuasa-ness to do it larh uh… kapan gw lagi iseng…

however! i’d still like to mention that i’m glad we met up last night  :)  Jannah, Murni, Mo and Ali couldn’t make it, really wish they came, would have lurrrved to see them! and Suraya’s back in UK… but other than that, everyone was there. and it was nice.

it was nice to see everyone as grounded, purposeful, intelligent, somewhat-settled-for-life young women–working, doing honours (and more), exploring personal passions… we’re all so different it seems, each one of us is going towards a different career path. but we all seem to be acutely aware (or aware enough. hehe) of who we are and what we want in (and after) life. i will not lie and say that all 14 or so of us are best of friends who confide everything and see one another all the time. but i will say that we are good friends. friends who, for almost a decade now, have seen each other grow during tumultuous, toot and trying teenage years. friends who have managed to keep in touch and meet up once in a while when they’ve gone to separate high schools. and friends who still do care and would no doubt lend a listening ear or a helping hand. anytime.

seeing everyone "grow up", so to speak, actually hits me with a pang of pride–i say we all turned out pretty well as individuals  :)  i hope each of us will find the success and happiness we dream of.

ok. back to writing essays now. i’m flying back tomorrow and i still have heaps to do!!! been distracted by, of all things, books! on to my fourth one already, my mind in in such holiday mode. well, ok, it all began with having to stay in bed a lot. this trip’s reads:

     The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath
     The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown
     Can you keep a secret?, Sophie Kinsella
     The Time Traveller’s Wife, Audrey Niffenegger

you know, i havent read a single book in the Harry Potter series! i’m planning to read them all one after another–with lots of cookies, brownies and shortbread on the side–once i get a looong holiday. maybe by then the sixth (or even the seventh–didnt Rowling say she might just write a 7th?) book will be out. that’ll be nice.

managed to get work done at and borrow 2 books from the NUS Med Library (thank you Jenny!) in between 2 separate doctor’s appointments on the same day. i feel immensely contented. well, you know, been sick and all so this little trip to the library and getting work done feels like a step to normalcy and the life i knew once again!! heh, dramatic nye beta… (ya, elia, now u gotta finish up all the assignments that’s been put on hold… :P)

anyway, the conclusions obtained from the doctors turned the contentment to happiness i’m clear to fly this friday. as much as being home feels good, i miss melbourne. yeah, i wanna go back mainly to get back to work and uni and catch up and finish up the sem BUT… also in my heart, i know i’ve long fallen for and gotten totally chummy with the place that’s officially the second most-liveable in the world (we lost to vancouver apparently). and the people. of coz, the people ;)  leaving melbourne for good’s gonna be so hard. but who knows? if there’s one thing i’ve learnt in this life, especially looking at my own life’s journeys all these 22 years, it’s that we must always put in our honest effort but in the end it is He who plans and gives. yes, dear God, you’re the Boss i leave it all to You and will not be discontent with whatever You give me for You have never forsaken me… and You know what’s best for me.

it’d be a perfect day if i could go to tarawih tonight… feels like i’ve been waiting for it for a lifetime…

i’ve got a phone interview tomorrow. never done one before but since i’m not in Australia to be there in person, i dont hv a choice. in any case, doakan ya?

cant wait for iftar with the girls this wednesday!